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Case Number 15529

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Yeti

Genius Products // 2008 // 87 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // January 23rd, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson's best friend growing up was half-Yeti. They had some adventures, those two.

The Charge

It kills in cold blood.

Opening Statement

It sucks in cold blood, too!

Facts of the Case

While flying over the Himalayas. A college football team finds themselves in the middle of a terrible plane crash. Even more horrifying? Thanks to the crash, they end up in the middle of a terrible movie. As our heroes bitch and moan about how much it sucks to be stranded on the top of the mountain in the middle of a barren wintry wasteland surrounded by the horrifyingly mutilated corpses of their best friends and stewardesses and linebacker coaches, a new danger lurks in the wilderness: a large man in a furry suit. That's right, a Yeti is on the loose and all he wants to do is beat the @$%$ out of smarmy jocks. And Peter DeLuise. The Yeti wants a piece of that guy too.

The Evidence

Let's cut right to it, huh? There's one redeeming factor in this otherwise moronically staged creature feature: the Yeti rips off of Peter DeLuise's leg and beats him to death with it. So if you've ever clamored for a live-action reenactment of Quan Chi's legendary fatality from Mortal Kombat 4 and also consider yourself a fan of 21 Jump Street, then maybe, just maybe the DVD of your dreams has finally arrived. Or not. The movie's actually intensely stupid.

It's surprisingly light on the Yeti mayhem. The first two-thirds of this presumed killer creature film is taken up with a group of whiny college kids huddled around some plane wreckage and arguing about eating cooked rabbit. Seriously, there seemed to be like ten minutes devoted to a fascinating discussion about a flare gun. When these Lost-lite shenanigans aren't going down, you do get a few glimpses of the Yeti menacing a couple of kids, tearing a fake arm out of the socket off-screen. Then, just when the needle on the gratuitous slaughter starts to tremble, it's right back to Cast Away. Finally, at about the 70-minute mark, the filmmakers take the shackles off our beast and turn him loose to—make us all laugh at his stupid face.

Yes, the Yeti is ridiculous. Whoever the hapless stagehand these guys suckered in to dressing up as the Abominable Snowman will forever have to live with the knowledge that he might have been wearing what might be the single dumbest monster costume in straight-to-DVD history. The costume is furry enough, but the mask looks like something you'll find in the seasonal Halloween store that opens up in your mall every September. Worse is this thing in action. Doubtlessly unable to maneuver in the suit, the Yeti actor was forced to defer any actual movement to the number-crunching of an Amiga. All of the Yeti's action scenes are CGI-rendered and it's some pretty awful stuff. Even from a distance, our antagonist looks like nothing more than an indecipherable clump of white and gray, moving with agility of an air conditioner tossed off a cliff.

At least we get some bloodshed. The few victims that are granted an intimate encounter with the Yeti get themselves nice and killed and the special effects crew doesn't waste any budget on crafting as much goo and plastic intestine as possible to throw in front of the camera. Again, special props to Peter DeLuise's demise. It really was something special.

Unlike the DVD presentation, which is no-frills. The 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen and 5.1 Dolby Digital surround are adequate. Like the rest of these RHI releases, there are no extras.

Closing Statement

Come for the promises of Yeti violence. Stay for the nuanced discussion of cannibalism ethics by dumbasses.

The Verdict

Guilty. Or should I say—chillty?

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 0
Acting: 60
Story: 50
Judgment: 52

Perp Profile

Studio: Genius Products
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 87 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genre:
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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