Was This SUPPOSED to Be Frightening?: Ten Unintentionally Horrifying Moments From Non-Horror Films

Judge Michael Rankins

October 31st, 2003

Halloween often finds the film fanatic reaching for a treasured fright flick to get the blood curdling. The holiday also spawns a gruesome number of horror movie lists on film-focused Web sites.

It occurs to this Judge, however, that some of the most gut-wrenchingly terrifying moments in movies probably weren't intended that way, seeing that they occur in films that aren't within the horror or thriller genres. Presented for your All Hallows Eve approval are these unintentional trick-or-treat pranks, cinematically speaking. (The discerning reader may wish to peruse this article by the light of a Jack-o'lantern, over a steaming mug of witches' brew, with a K-Tel sound effects record creaking and screeching in the background.)

10. Hey, That's No Beautiful Pea-Green Boat: Barbra Streisand dons a two-handed negligee in The Owl and the Pussycat. Two words: oy vey. Even Frederick of Hollywood and Victoria of Secret fame covered their eyes and bolted for the exit.

9. I Love You, Too, Grandpa: The 69-year-old Sean Connery gets jiggy wit' the 39-years-younger Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. Only the early onset of Alzheimer's could erase the hideous memory of this May-next February romance.

8. And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Vocal Stylings of Mr. Sylvester Stallone: Rocky "sings" country in Rhinestone. Sly compounds the abomination by attempting to play comedy—not his strong suit—and co-starring alongside the twin talents (neither of them acting) of hillbilly siren and amusement park impresario Dolly Parton.

7. Mary's A-Poppin': Julie Andrews bares the goods in S.O.B.. Who knew this was what she meant by "The Hills Are Alive"?

6. Nuke 'Em, Duke: It's hard to say what's scariest about watching the Howard Hughes-produced, Dick Powell-directed atrocity The Conquerer—John Wayne's grotesque miscasting as Genghis Khan (you haven't experienced terror until you've heard Rooster Cogburn's voice intoning such ludicrous drivel as, "While I live, while my blood burns hot, your daughter is not safe in her tent!"), or the knowledge that almost everyone associated with the picture later died of radiation-induced cancer (the film was shot on an A-bomb testing range in the Nevada desert).

5. I Wish They All Could Be Camp Fire Girls: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, and DeForest Kelley's off-key warbling of the sentimental favorite, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in Shatner's debut directorial effort, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. From the first fingernails-on-blackboard howl, this one sounded the death knell of the Trek franchise, and quite possibly of intelligent life as we know it.

4. Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys: Man commits "the act that dares not speak its name" with an animal of the bovine persuasion in The Shipment. My lap still hurts from my jaw dropping into it.

3. I Think They Misspelled the Last Word in the Title: I'm certain someone, somewhere, had a valid reason for wanting to see the world's least-comical comic, the so-called Carrot Top, star in the feature film Chairman of the Board. I'm certain there were higher artistic concerns that drove such talented (or at the very least, sufficiently well-known that someone other than family members might recognize them) thespians as Raquel Welch, Jack Warden, M. Emmet Walsh, and the usually reliable Glenn Shadix to co-star alongside Mr. Top in it. I'm certain I had a reason for enduring this ghastly piece of cinema late one evening on cable. I'm certain I don't know what any of the above-mentioned reasons are.

2. They Can Cure That With Antibiotics Now: Barbara Hershey's collagen-inflamed lips haunt America's nightmares after their debut in Beaches.

And the most horrifying moment in non-horror film history...

1. Great Danes Ripped My Flesh, Or At Least It Felt That Way: The entire 87 minutes of the agonizing, ghoulishly unentertaining Scooby-Doo. It's a good thing my wife doesn't want more children—I believe I may be sterile after sitting through this.