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Case Number 14007

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Bone Eater

Lionsgate // 2007 // 88 Minutes // Rated PG-13
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // July 8th, 2008

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson hates bone monsters. Their politics are insufferable.

The Charge

There will be no leftovers.

Opening Statement

A bunch of white people desecrating Native American land are systematically incinerated by economy CGI.

Facts of the Case

A wealthy developer ignores the warnings of the local Native Americans and bulldozes Indian holy land, which of course awakens an old, murderous spirit that is able to materialize as a bone monster that can sometimes conjure a bone horse and ride it around a stab people with his bone sword.

With more and more townsfolk disappearing, Sheriff Evans (Bruce Boxleitner) is convinced something wacky is going down, despite the claims of the developer that the fault lies with an extremist Native American protest group.

The Evidence

Stay away from this movie. It's moronic. That's the capsule review. Here's the full one: stay far away from this movie. It's incredibly moronic.

I knew I was in for a long, painful experience when the film opened with some construction workers meeting their demise at the hands of the Bone Eater. That's right, we get to see the Big Bad right away, as the filmmakers eschew the usual hide-the-evil-monster-until-the-very-end approach. It's a bold move that completely fails because the monster is one of the most ridiculous CGI contraptions I've seen.

Less a fearsome, supernatural Native American killing machine and more a discarded creature design from Ninja Gaiden on Xbox, the Bone Eater is a poorly rendered, floundering arrangement of special effects that gnashes its bone teeth a lot and murders fools.

As goofy as the creature looks, it's the manner in which he kills that will surely elicit the most derisive laughter from the viewing audience. The guy has several go-to moves: the bone-sword swing, the green spearmint mist vomit, and the always-reliable punch to the head. All three attacks result in the victim dissolving into dust. What's high-larious is that the hapless victims continue to scream, well after they've been reduced to lint.

Wait, wait, I take that back. What's truly amusing is when the Bone Eater mounts up on his Bone Horse and chases a pick-up truck, while idiot local cops shoot their 9mm standard issue at it with no effect until, after much blubbering, they finally succumb to their dusty deaths.

I take that back. The funniest part of this movie is when Bruce Boxleitner decks himself out in traditional Native American garb, complete with war paint, mounts his own horse and rides down the thruway, whooping and hollering, as he prepares to take down the Bone Eater single-handedly.

Wow, there sure are a lot of really, really funny parts in this movie, huh? Too bad it's not a comedy, but a horror-thriller.

A bare bones (heh) release: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen and 2.0 stereo audio mix and a handful of trailers.

Closing Statement

Bone Eater is astonishingly stupid. Do something more constructive with your time, like littering.

The Verdict

Guilty. Send this one to the boneyard.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 0
Acting: 40
Story: 50
Judgment: 45

Perp Profile

Studio: Lionsgate
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 88 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13
Genres:
• Bad
• Horror
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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