Abandon all hope, ye who enter here, warns Judge David Johnson.
This legend is real.
Presenting Chupacabra!, the off-Broadway musical based on Chupacabra Terror (also released as Chupacabra: Dark Seas).
SCENE 1: An unnamed forest at night. Large men with guns mill about. DR. PEÑA (Giancarlo Esposito) paces nervously, cradling a giant tranquilizer gun.
LARGE MAN: Sir, we are all set. But are you sure we'll find it? It's dark out and we've been --
DR. PEÑA: Yes! Tonight is the night! I've told you already.
LARGE MAN: Yes sir. (He walks off to set up a net trap.)
DR. PEÑA: Tonight must be the night. It must be. (sings:)
For years I've hunted,
Your existence is legend—
LARGE MAN: Aaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!
The men turn in time to see LARGE MAN being attacked by a dark shape. The net falls on both forms. DR. PEÑA fires a tranquilizer dart, and the monster lies still.
SCENE II: A cruise ship is set to leave. CAPTAIN RANDOLPP (John Rhys-Davies, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King) is standing on deck, watching his passengers board. His nubile blond daughter JENNY (Chelan Simmons) stands with him. One passenger, LANCE (Dylan Neal, 40 Days and 40 Nights), a burly ex-Marine, approaches.
LANCE: Hi, Captain. Hello, bosomy young woman. I'm Lance and I'm here to investigate that rash of thefts you've had on the ship lately.
RANDOLPP: Oh yes, hi. Thank you. We can use your help.
LANCE: Pardon me, but didn't you serve in the Gulf War?
RANDOLPP: Yes, why?
LANCE: Well, you rescued me once. I needed to tell you that to set up the fact I'm a bad-ass ex-military guy and that may come in handy later.
RANDOLPP: Yes, of course. (pause) Okay, time to set sail! (sings:)
All aboard! All aboard!
Our suites are pristine,
So roll some dice
Off we go, upon the sea,
SCENE III: The cargo hold of the cruise ship. Some crewmen wheel a giant ominous brown box with big warning signs and a heavy-duty lock.
CREWMAN 1: Wow, look at this box. I bet it contains something dangerous.
CREWMAN 2: I think you're right. I can even hear something moving around inside…and growling too!
CREWMAN 1: Hey, let's open it, even though it's explicitly against regulations and is a job-terminating offense!
CREWMAN 2: Great idea!
The two men pry off the lock with a crowbar. They are immediately attacked and slaughtered.
Aha! I am free!
SCENE IV: The bridge. A nervous crewman reports to LANCE and RANDOLPP the discovery of some mutilated bodies. Stunned at the possibility that a brutal murderer is on the loose, RANDOLPP urges JENNY to go back to her room. He asks LANCE to escort her, before calling up the nearby Navy SEALS for help.
LANCE: Let's go, Jenny.
JENNY: Do you think we'll be safe from the monster?
LANCE: We have nothing to worry about. I have a gun. And my name is Lance, remember?
LANCE: Let me put it this way. (sings:)
I am Lance!
I've got a strong male name,
SCENE V: The Navy SEALS approach the cruise ship in a cheap-looking skiff that looks to have been stolen from an abandoned summer camp. The soldiers board, wearing khaki uniforms from the Target clearance rack and standard-issue plastic bicycle helmets.
SEAL COMMANDER: Heard you have a monster problem.
RANDOLPP: Um, are you guys the Navy SEALS?
SEAL COMMANDER: You bet. Why?
RANDOLPP: What's with the knee pads? Are you skateboarders?
SEAL COMMANDER: No. We're the highly trained arm of the United States elite fighting units.
RANDOLPP: It's just, I guess I wasn't expecting, you know, paintballers --
SEAL COMMANDER: Save it, Captain, and point us to where the monster is!
SCENE VI: The Navy SEALS corner the Chupacabra in the bowels of the ship and engage it in a firefight.
SOLDIER: Sir, the bullets are having no effect on this monster!
The Chupacabra tears the soldiers apart. Like all death scenes, this one is represented by a liter of chunky tomato soup thrown at the wall. The Chupacabra runs into the engine room, and LANCE, JENNY, and RANDOLPP pursue.
LANCE: I have an idea, but it involves blowing up this room.
RANDOLPP: Not to worry. This part of the ship is well above the water line, so there's no fear of flooding.
LANCE: Captain, I have a bad feeling that the laws of physics will be suspended in this instance and your ship will likely sink.
RANDOLPP: Nonsense! Do what you have to!
LANCE: Okay. Here goes --
The Chupacabra suddenly jumps out from the shadows.
Lance miraculously picks up a live electrical wire and touches it to the Chupacabra.
LANCE, JENNY, and RANDOLPP jump into the Navy SEALS' boat and flee, just as the engine room explodes and, despite the fact it's above water level, does in fact cause the ship to sink.
RANDOLPP: Well, what do you know?
JENNY: Sorry, daddy.
LANCE: Yeah, sorry, Captain.
RANDOLPP (sighs—and sings):
The monster is gone, and I'm glad we stopped it.
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Scales of Justice
• Director and Writer Commentary
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