Judge David Johnson has seen one too many crappy National Lampoon comedies.
Every guy's dream…one guy's nightmare.
Have you been clamoring for a film starring "Stuttering" John from The Howard Stern Show? My friend, today is your lucky day! And as a bonus, he wrote it! I know, the good news keeps on rolling in!
Facts of the Case
Thomas (John Melendez) wants to settle down a get married and have kids. Unfortunately, he can't corral his horniness. So he opts for the only plan that makes sense—find a woman who won't mind participating in orgies. Of course! It's brilliant! Nothing could go wrong!
Thomas miraculously finds a woman (Bellamy Young) who's willing to go through with this threesome relationship. So it's onto the next hurdle: finding the third woman to participate in this ridiculous scenario. But Thomas will find out that Every Man's Fantasy isn't exactly conducive to a serious relationship.
Yeah, this is a pointless movie and wasted my time. It's not funny. Not thoughtful. Based on an extraordinarily idiotic premise. Poorly acted. Poorly written. Just dumb from start to finish.
Maybe you might find it funny, though. I don't want to presume what is and what is not humorous to you, so here's a quick test to gauge if One, Two, Many will tease some hearty laughs out of your gut.
Score 3 points if any of the following statements represent the funniest thing you've ever heard of.
Score 2 points if any of the following statements makes you laugh a little.
Score 1 point if any of the following statements crack a smile.
Score 0 points if you think melanoma is funnier than any of the following statements.
1. Two men are jogging in park and they pass two women jogging and one man turns around and runs after them.
2. The main character has diarrhea and runs into the ladies room and doesn't find any toilet paper so he uses 20 dollars bills to wipe his butt.
3. The main character has a conversation with his devil and angel counterparts and the devil farts and makes fun of the angel and his harp playing.
4. Two men are playing golf and repeatedly get hit by golf balls hit by a Chinese couple.
5. A cab driver complains about President Bush's intellect and claims he could beat him in Scrabble.
6. The main character's best friend tries to impress women at the gym and says he's working out for the Olympics and they say he's working out for the Special Olympics.
7. The main character dates a hippie girl and is attracted to her until she lifts her arms, revealing underarm hair.
8. The main character overhears his date farting in the bathroom and loses his erection.
9. A casting agent named Benjamin says his name is pronounced Ben-hamin and the main character tells his friend to call him Benjamin in an attempt to sabotage his chances of getting the part.
10. The main character repeatedly calls himself a "faggot."
Go ahead, tally your totals. If you scored 30 points, congratulations you've found the funniest damn thing you'll ever see in your life. If you score 0, you're not an idiot.
Two last things to say about this. One, Melendez tries to have his cake and eat it too, by attempting to squeeze out an actual life lesson at the end, which is essentially, if you love someone don't screw it up by trying to lure her into an orgy. It's a pathetic plot point, mainly because the entire orgy gimmick is so out there it's impossible to take seriously. When he invariably runs into deep relationship trouble, I can pretty much guarantee you won't be able to summon up an ounce of sympathy for the jackass. And two, the rating box claims there is pervasive strong sexual content, but if you're looking for the typical National Lampoon sleaze, look elsewhere—I've never seen a sex comedy where so many people remain fully clothed during intercourse.
The DVD is lean, sporting a 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen and 5.1 surround that are both up to the task, a lively commentary by Melendez and director Michael DeLorenzo, bloopers and the lamest photo gallery ever included on an optical disc (note, contrary to what the disc case says, said photo gallery is neither "outrageous" nor "sexy").
I have nothing positive to say about this release. I'm sure it will find a few fans, but One, Two, Many isn't sexy or funny or anything else.
I'm not sure how it's pronounced, but I think it's "guilty."
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