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Case Number 08806

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Spring Break Shark Attack

Paramount // 2005 // 90 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // March 14th, 2006

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All Rise...

Police divers are still searching for the remains of Judge David Johnson, who threw himself into shark-infested waters after subjecting himself to this ridiculous, made-for-TV teen chomp-fest.

The Charge

This year, spring break really bites.

Opening Statement

As lame as that tagline and the title are, they don't approach quantifying how cheesy this TV shark movie really is.

Facts of the Case

Dear Misty:

Hey girl, what's up? This is Danielle (Shannon Lucio), writin' to ya from Florida! Yeah, it's Spring Break, and the sun is out, the water is warm, and the guys are all horny scumbags. Sweet, huh? Since you're my best friend and all, you know how hard it for me to plug into this party scene, but I have to tell you: the people are so fun and crazy it's getting pretty easy to act like a drunken whore!

I've got to tell you about this one guy I met. His name is J.T. (Justin Baldoni) and he's a total hottie. I don't know what his initials stand for. Maybe "Juicy Tenderloin?" Anyway, he's been giving me a lot of attention lately, even though I notice some of the other girls look at him with eyes that say "Don't ever come near me again you evil bastard! I'll never forgive you for taking advantage of me while I was in a drunken stupor! I'd call the cops but you'd just deny it. You worthless @#$%!" or something like that (I'm not good at reading people).

There's another guy, too. His name is Shane (Riley Smith). (He looks like that crackhead from 24, the kid who smuggled that virus in from Mexico, you remember?) He's pretty cool. He works for his mom, renting out fishing boats and doesn't like partying much. I guess he likes books and stuff. We met at a dance and had a good time and all, but I'm not sure if I like him like him.

Lately, I've been hearing rumors of disappearing kids. In fact, someone mentioned sharks the other day. Geez, don't tell my dad, or he'll have a panic attack! You know how over-protective he is! Well, if it is a shark, I'm not too worried—my brother has been developing a long-range electronic shark repellant. It looks like it will never work, but my brother has glasses and long, dirty hair so he must be smart. I hope we never have to use it!

Misty, I've gotta go. Me, Shane, J.T., and some other friends are going on a boat trip in a few minutes. It should be a lot of fun! Here's hoping I don't get caught swimming too far from the boat as a pair of massive, man-eating tiger sharks circle around, then, when I manage to make it back into the boat in the nick of time, those sharks don't slam their huge heads into the hull, disabling us, and forcing us to make it to an island on half-a-piston. That would stink. You know what else would stink? If we managed to repair the boat and make it back to the beach and tried to warn the authorities of a looming shark attack, but the cops ignored us and a hundred sharks stormed the beach and started eating co-eds. That would sooooo be a buzzkill.

Talk to you soon!

Love,

Danielle

The Evidence

Dear Danielle:

Sounds like a crazy week! I hope you take care of yourself. I was talking to Tabitha on the phone yesterday and she was telling me some pretty wild things about that beach you're at. She says that she has in fact seen some sharks swimming around. But, according to her, getting devoured isn't the most dangerous part of the beach though—it's the date rape. Apparently, some guy has been going around slipping roofies in girls' drinks. I know it sounds like a screenplay for a bad Lifetime made-for-TV movie, but be careful anyway sweetie!

And another thing. Tabitha told me about this creepy guy named Joel (Bryan Brown) who wanders around the beach scowling a lot. I guess he owns a bar at another side of the beach, but the kids don't go there anymore and he's losing business. Tabitha says that the rumors are he's a moral-free idiot and has been hatching a plan to force people off of your beach and back to his, just so he can make more money on his Tequila shots. Now don't tell anyone, but she tells me that she heard from some guy who heard from some girl whose boyfriend lives with a guy who works for the bar that this Joel guy may be responsible for the sharks! That he's been taking a fishing boat into the ocean and throwing chum into the water to attract tiger sharks so the kids will be scared and come back to his bar! Is that not the stupidest plan you've ever heard. My brain is cramping just from conceiving the inanity of that plot.

My advice: stay close to that Shane guy. He sounds like a misunderstood kid with a heart of gold, and if you play your cards right, you just might me able to kiss him! Following a harrowing shark ordeal, of course. Also, stay as far away from J.T. as you can. That guy sounds like a big jerk, and you know what that means—he'll likely be chewed to bits by a shark and die very painfully!

While I'm a bit envious of the warm weather, the wanton debauchery, and good-looking guys, I do have to admit that I'm kinda glad I'm not there. In all honesty, Danielle, it sounds like you're smack in the middle of a ghastly assemblage of Dawson's Creek clichés, with a few lame shark encounters thrown in. See ya later!

—Misty

Closing Statement

Dear Misty:

You're right. This does suck.

Danielle

The Verdict

Guilty, chum.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 90
Audio: 80
Extras: 0
Acting: 70
Story: 50
Judgment: 58

Perp Profile

Studio: Paramount
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2005
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Action
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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