Judge David Johnson is recuperating in a mental health facility after being exposed to this sordid tale of skaters run amok.
"My friends and I are going to make a movie! This is soooo awesome!! Way sweeter than working the grill at Wendy's!"
Editorial Note: Judge David Johnson is currently spending time at a mental health clinic, undergoing some intense psychological evaluation. Several days ago, authorities responded to a complaint from Dave's neighbors of loud music. The police responded and knocked on Dave's door; there was no answer. The police entered the house and began their search. They traced the pounding music to Dave's basement. They slowly descended the stairs, and recoiled at what they found: Dave was nude, save for a throw rug wrapped around his waist and what appeared to be a crude hat made from rigatoni glued to back issues of Popular Mechanics. In one hand, he held a broom handle with a potato speared to the end. The potato was painted yellow and had postage stamps stuck to it. In the other hand, Dave carried an empty can of peaches. The Monkees' "Last Train to Clarksville" blared on repeat from a boom-box in the corner. The police found him dancing in circles, with eyes glazed, spittle falling from the corners of his mouth, and tongue hanging out, shouting "I am the King of the Butterscotch Bumblebees! I am the King of the Butterscotch Bumblebees!" Dave was later carted out in a straitjacket. Upon further investigation, police found the television on, a DVD in the player, and a notebook. The DVD was Midnight Skater. The police have allowed DVD Verdict to publish the notebook fragment, apparently Dave's review for the movie; but, be warned, as it is also a chilling chronicle of one man's descent into madness.
Okay, Midnight Skater, huh? Sounds…stupid, but let's check it out. (Hmm, I find it kind of odd that I'm writing stream of consciousness; eh, oh well, why not?) Okay, menu option, and PLAY MOVIE, and now here's a…oh great, another home-made movie.
Seriously, couldn't these people have found a better camera, something that at least can shoot relatively decent night footage without providing the grainiest picture in the cosmos? I feel like I'm watching TV in the middle of a violent sandstorm.
So it's a joint effort by a group of friends, probably filmed on their own college campus. Okay, mysterious midnight skater, vandalizing the walls, got it. And a couple of drug dealers ripped off from…er, inspired by…Kevin Smith's Jay and Silent Bob. Ooh and a psychopath kid who likes to stab people that are apparently filled with fruit punch and silly putty. And lastly, a bunch of friends hot on the trail of the midnight skater. Throw it all together, hit puree, and WHAMMO! A movie you can show all four of your friends!
The minutes crawl by…
This is stultifying. I must have something better to do than subject myself to an onslaught of adolescents playing movie stars. Or an endless parade of inside jokes that they may find uproarious, but any free-willed organism capable of independent thought considers mind-numbing, unfunny blather. Or…how about --
Get a grip Dave! Relax. You've seen worse, haven't you?
Well, there was that ABC Family movie last week. And that 20-car pileup on I-95.
See! Just stick with it. You're almost done.
(Deep breath) Okay, where was I? Right, reviewing Midnight Skater. And what have we got here? He's just killed this girl and now he's engaging in faux-intercourse with the body. Nice. And someone is squirting him in the face with a ketchup bottle. Very innovative…hmmm, you know what else is innovative? Stuffed-crust pizza. Maybe I'll pause this garbage heap and take a moment to --
Hey, focus, you dope!
What? Oh, sorry. It's just this movie, here, well, it's not very good, you see, and I'm kind of tired because, well, I didn't sleep okay the other night, and I've got this nasal drip thing --
QUIT BELLYACHING, YOU IDIOT!!!
No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. The movie is not that bad. Besides you have an obligation to the readers to put forth you best effort, so that they can make an informed choice on their digital entertainment selection.
You really think people's decisions on whether to purchase Midnight Skater hinge on my review? Besides, it's already got a built-in audience—the dopes who made it. I mean, listen to their audio commentary. It's just an endless series of inside jokes and screeching background laughter to unfunny observations. It's so annoy --
DO YOUR JOB, DINGLEBERRY!
Get back to work!
Fine, fine. Back to the movie.
The minutes crawl by…
Geez Louise, why are these kids insistent on filming in the dark?! Probably because they don't want people to witness them making jackasses out of themselves and screwing around with lunch condiments.
And here's this guy, stabbed, and, oh look, he's having a plastic "appendage" removed from his pants in grisly fashion. "My p-penis! It's gone!" That's a great line. I'm still amazed there was an actual script for this (which there was, according to the commentary).
Back to the bozo drug dealers. All right, we get it, you love saying the F-word on camera. But wait, a new wrinkle in the story. Apparently the drugs they are selling turn people into zombies. Zombies with finger-paint splashed all over their face.
I'm watching you Dave.
What? Who said that? Who's there?
Must be the wind…no, that's stupid. The windows aren't open.
No, you're stupid! Stupid-butt.
Who said that??? What's going on here???
You are a disgrace to your friends and family and beetle larva find you unsavory.
What does that mean? Who are you?
My brain? What's the matter with you?
YOU!!! YOU ARE THE MATTER WITH ME!!! WHY MUST YOU SUBJECT ME TO THIS GODFORSAKEN MOVIE??!!! I'M SHRIVELING UP AND DYING! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
But I must! Someone has to watch it. Look, see, it's getting better, the zombies are all over the place and now they're killing people and look at the special effects --
What are you talking about? Special effects? It's a frickin' calf's liver they're tossing around! Can't you—
Shut up you.
Who's this now?
I'm the masochistic part of you that craves self-immolation. And there is no greater vehicle of despair that can foster such self-loathing as this movie! Ha! Ha! Ha!
No, it's not that bad. It has an original score…which plays the same loop over and over and over and over and over again. And, look, deleted scenes! With introduction from the "filmmakers." That's pretty cool, except they all suck a thousand times worse than the footage that actually got left in…Gee, maybe it is that bad.
Goodbye cerebral cortex! It's been fun!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Sub Rosa Studios
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