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Case Number 12380

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Cougar Club

Vivendi Visual Entertainment // 2007 // 97 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // November 13th, 2007

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson hasn't laughed this infrequently since last week's deep scaling at the dentist.

The Charge

MILF: The Movie.

Opening Statement

Boy this disc sure thinks it's the most outrageous comedy of the year. Well, someone's been telling lies to this disc because the movie that's imprinted on it sucks.

Facts of the Case

Best friends Hogan (Warren Kole) and Spence (Jason Jurman), a pair of underachieving hornballs, decide to channel their creativity and fetishes for older women into a business venture: The Cougar Club. This exclusive membership-only club matches young men with an uncontrollable urge to have wanton sexual intercourse with women twice their age with said women.

Business is booming right from the start, and Hogan and Spence have a near limitless supply of lonely divorcees to choose from with their connections at a law firm. Good things don't last forever and some bad stuff happens and the Cougar Club's prosperity is threatened, but don't worry they manage to work it all out somehow and someone kick me in the face.

The Evidence

In the middle of Season 2 of 24 Kim Bauer, played by Elisha Cuthbert, is running wildly through a forest, pursued by a tenacious cougar. This ill-conceived sequence has since become engraved in pop lore, and a reference point for the absolute nadir of 24's storytelling. Why bring this up besides the cougar similarity? Well, for one, I need to fill space in this review and there are only so many ways you can say "This movie is an utter waste of time" and two, the inadvertent laughs generated from that scene in 24 far eclipses anything remotely wannabe comical in Cougar Club.

This flick is a hemorrhoid on an optical disc, a comedy that is about as funny as those help-the-starving-kids commercials on television. Nothing works here; not the dialogue, the acting, the nudity, or the premise. It is a dysfunctional outing from top to bottom, but what ultimately deep-sixes the whole sad excursion is the painful lack of even a molecule of funny.

The jokes are unloaded with earnest but nothing sticks. The funniest gag in the entire sad affair is when a cop gets hit it in the testicles with a golf ball. That's all that elicited a chortle from me. Everything else: DVD death.

Perhaps there was some potential in idea of young guys and older women cavorting together in some kind of moronic club, but the way it's presented in the film borders on offensive. And yeah, I've got a think skin for edgy comedy and all, but the sight of a hundred of horny frat boys hooting and hollering about sexually ravaging a bunch of moms and grandmothers is a tad unsettling. And again, nothing was funny. Add to that, the two heroes were unlikable idiots, so when they did end up in prison I was hoping that is where they would stay, for the remainder of the twenty or so minutes of runtime.

One final thing: if you're itching for heaps of "outrageous" nudity, you'll likely be disappointed with the handful of brief breasts shots. However—in a pathetic attempt to make the Unrated version even more outrageous—you'll be able to experience the "topless menus," which is just a couple of girls who take off their tops in during the title menus sequences.

Audio (5.1 Dolby Digital) and video quality (1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen) aren't bad, sounding and looking fine all-around. The extras are disappointing, with two gag reels and some uninspired deleted scenes.

Closing Statement

This movie is not good. Stay away.

The Verdict

The courtroom cleared out a long, long time ago.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 75
Acting: 40
Story: 60
Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Vivendi Visual Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• None
Running Time: 97 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Bad
• Comedy

Distinguishing Marks

• Topless Menus
• Outtakes
• Blooper Reel
• Deleted Scenes
• Trailers


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